Dispatcher: "9-1-1. What's the nature of your emergency?" Caller: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. What should I do?" Dispatcher: "Is this her first child?" Caller: "No, you idiot! This is her husband!"


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. After they pitch their tent, they go to sleep. Later that night, Holmes wakes Watson up and says: "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes: "And what can you deduce from that?" Watson: "Well, if there are millions of stars and even a few of those have planets, it's very probable there are some Earth-like planets out there, and implicitly extraterrestrial life." Holmes: "No, you idiot ... it means that somebody stole our tent!"


An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened. The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer, yelling: "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"


Late one night, a drunk guy is showing some friends his apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to his bed. "What's that gong for?" one friend asks him. "It's not a gong. It's actually a talking clock." the drunk replies. "You're crazy. Show me how it works then!" said the friend. The drunk guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams: "For God's sake ... it's 3:30 in the goddamn morning!"


My wife asked me why I was speaking softly in the house. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.